Friday, December 13, 2013
By OFW editor:
Published: January 01, 2014
“You need to slow down,”
Bobby glared at the road.
You need to shut the hell up
“Bobby, I’m serious. You drive way too fast. What if a deer jumped out right now?”
“Then we wouldn’t be eating burgers this weekend.”
Rhonda frowned, twisting a strand of blond hair around a manicured finger. “I don’t eat meat. I’ve told you that.”
“You don’t eat meat, you don’t smoke, and you don’t drink; just what do you do, Rhonda?” Bobby was sick of her preaching. If she wasn’t so hot he’d have dumped her after their first date. She played hard to get, that was all. No girl with a body like that could say she’d never been fucked.
“I agreed to come with you didn’t I? I would think you’d respect me a little more by now.”
Rhonda liked to bitch about respect.
“Jesus, we’ve been together nearly six months, you know how I feel.” She pouted.
Yeah, he knew all right. She made it clear again and again how she felt about everything. She didn’t open her own door, she didn’t put gas in her car, and she didn’t carry her bags. However, she did mention her contempt for underwear, and that made up for the other bullshit.
“I wonder why you agreed,” Bobby glanced at her, she looked away. “If you’re too fucking good to eat with the rest of us common folk, how will you sleep on the ground and shit in the woods?”
“I am not shitting in the woods. They have outhouses at these places.”
Bobby smiled. She was in for a shock. No campground; they would camp in a clearing in the woods he scouted out a few weeks before. No power, no running water, and best of all, no people.
“You know I love you baby,” Rhonda reached over and squeezed his thigh. “I thought we could really get to know each other this weekend. There’s nothing to distract us, it’s perfect.”
“So you don’t eat meat, at all?” Bobby still didn’t believe her. He pictured her hiding in her apartment gorging on Big Macs and big juicy steaks. She worried about her image and being better than everyone else. That’s all the vegetarian bullshit was. One didn’t get an ass like that by eating carrots.
“No meat will ever touch these lips. I don’t like the taste of it. It’s disgusting.”
“Guess that means I won’t be getting any head,” Bobby muttered. “I hope you like the bone.”
She punched his arm, causing him to swerve.
“Hey, be careful.”
“You’re a pig,”
He darted a glance to her pressed lips. She looked like an old lady when she did that. He hated it.
“It’s just you and me now. You don’t have to say things like that. Your friends aren’t here. You can be the real Bobby now.”
“This is the real me,” Bobby turned the truck down a narrow dirt path that led to the clearing. “You’ll have to learn to love all of it.”
“I do love all of you,” she unbuckled her seatbelt and moved close to him. “I just want to know that it’s true love, not just hormones. You understand don’t you?”
No, he didn’t understand. Six damn months and no more than a cuddle and a few chaste kisses. She wouldn’t even let him put his tongue in her mouth. She saved that for her true love. What a load of shit. “How are you going to know if you don’t try it? What are we going to do all weekend, talk?”
“What’s wrong with that?” she looked up at him.
Bobby kept his eyes on the winding path ahead of them. The dense woods on either side thickened, with no space between them. They were almost there. The shit would really hit the fan then.
“Guys have needs, Rhonda.” He turned right, and wondered if he missed the last turn. He couldn’t remember. “Not everyone will wait for you to decide if he’s worthy or not.”
“If he loves me he’ll wait. I’ve been down that road before. If I give it away for free then you won’t give me the respect I deserve. You’ll thank me later.”
He knew it; she was no fucking virgin. She was a tease. He would show her true love all right, she’d be the one begging for it by Sunday.
Seeing the marker he’d set out— a yellow bandana tied to a small wooden sign that read ‘You need not search for the Lord, he is within us all.’—he slowed the truck. When tying the bandana to it last week, he noticed someone wrote in thick black marker below the crudely carved words, ‘Yet He’s here’ He didn’t know who put the sign there, but it was handy. Bobby pondered its meaning, coming up with nothing. Religious freaks rarely made sense to him anyway. Who in their right mind would travel all the way out here to post a sign no one would see? Who else would bother to add to it?
“We’re here.” He turned to see Rhonda’s reaction.
“This is it?” Eyes wide, Rhonda stared ahead as Bobby pulled into the clearing; a patch of grass and dirt surrounded by trees. The entire area was wild and overgrown.
“Real camping, honey,” he grinned and opened the door. “Come on let’s set up and get a fire going. It will be dark soon and I want to be fed and in my sleeping bag before the wolves come out.”
“Wolves? Are you messing with me?” Rhonda remained in the truck.
Bobby shook his head and hauled out her bags.
Shit, she packed for a week, not two days.
“Do you really need all this stuff?” he grunted. When she didn’t answer he looked up. She was out of the truck and standing in the clearing, hands on her hips.
Here we go.
“If you think I’m sleeping out here, you're fucking nuts.” She waved her arms around her, eyes wide, nostrils flaring. “I will not sleep in the woods, Bobby Martin. Forget it.”
God but she was funny when she was mad.
“Then you better get walking, it’s a long way back to the road.”
“So am I,” Bobby grabbed the tent out of the truck and brought it over to where she stood. “Come on, this is real camping. You’ll love it. Just you and me and the stars; there’s nothing more romantic than a starry sky.”
She blushed and smiled. “Are you hoping to seduce me?”
“That was the plan.” Bobby spread the tent out on the ground and began setting it up.
“Well, it’s not happening here. I am not taking my clothes off to lay on the dirty ground. I thought you were joking about the tent. We’re really going to sleep in that?”
“What about food? How are we going to cook?”
“Like I said, we’ll build a fire. I brought burgers and stuff in the cooler.”
“Good thing I brought my own food,” she sighed.
her own food?
“Tofu dogs, salad, and some fruit. Oh, and hot chocolate, I like that before bed. I have to boil down a few herbs for my infusion too; cleanses my body of impurities.”
He finished pitching the tent, and glanced up at her, inwardly laughing at the grimace that spread across her face.
“Ugh, I can’t believe I said I’d do this.” She moaned.
“No one made you come.”
“With that attitude you’ll be single very soon,” she sat down on her suitcase. “There’s not even a table? What the hell are we eating on?”
“We can sit on the tailgate,” what was her problem? Christ, she wasn’t the Queen of England. Even Her Highness would be more accommodating than Rhonda was.
“Great,” Rhonda picked at her nails while Bobby finished setting up camp.
He hauled everything out of the truck and started a fire near the edge of the clearing, far away from the trees but close enough to the tent to keep animals away. “I don’t care what you say, I’m making burgers.” Bobby opened his cooler and pulled out the meat, ignoring her gagging noises behind him.
“Do you have any idea what kind of damage you do to your body eating that stuff? You are taking years off your life.”
“If I die tomorrow, at least I’ll die with a good hunk of meat in my belly.” Bobby took out the grill and set it over the fire. “I’ll be a happy man.”
Rhonda stood and stomped over to one of the many bags piled next to the tent. Unzipping its flap she threw it open and rummaged through it. Standing again she carried a container with what looked like salad over to her ‘seat’. She opened the lid and picked out pieces of lettuce and a white chunky substance.
“What is that?” Bobby couldn’t imagine ever feeling full on that shit. Maybe that’s why she was always so cranky.
“Garden salad with tofu, it’s high in protein. Much better than any burger.” She ate another chunk of lettuce and smiled. A rather persistent fly buzzed around her head and she swatted at it several times before putting the lid on her salad. She stood. “These fucking bugs are ridiculous. This is the most unsanitary way to live.” Rhonda stomped once more to her bag and replaced the salad.
“Why don’t you put that in the cooler?” Bobby asked. “Or are you afraid the meat might touch your tofu?”
“This is a cooler bag, Works the same as your Coleman but it isn’t as harmful to the environment.”
“Really,” Bobby didn’t really give a shit. By the time his cooler caused any damage he’d be long dead. He watched Rhonda pace around the clearing, peeking into the tent and muttering to herself. She turned away when he threw the burgers on the grill.
“I can’t watch this, it’s disgusting. I’m going for a walk. This path does go somewhere doesn’t it?” She pointed to the trail they had followed in.
“Just make sure you stay on it and come back the same way. Don’t be taking any other trails. I’ve never camped here before.”
“Lovely,” she threw her hands up and walked toward the path. “You’ve never camped here, that’s great. You have no idea what’s out here with us. God, you’re fucking brilliant Bobby.”
“I thought I was your soul mate baby,” he teased.
“Oh come on, nothing gets in the way of true love. You know you love me.”
“I’m reconsidering. The man I marry will sweep me off my feet.”
“You want toilet paper?” Bobby held up a roll.
She reddened. “What for?”
“In case you need to take a piss or a shit or whatever.”
“I am not going in the woods. Do you know what kind of bugs are out here? They could lay eggs and I’d never know until it was too late.”
“Suit yourself,” Bobby tossed the toilet roll back in his bag.
What a fucking princess
“I will.” She stormed off along the trail.
She wouldn’t be long. It would be dark in an hour and the dipshit hadn’t even taken a flashlight with her. Maybe
would find her. Bobby grinned at the thought. Like anyone, including the Lord, would want anything to do with her cranky ass.
Bobby finished his burgers in peace, enjoying every steaming bite of mouthwatering meaty goodness. He checked Rhonda’s bags and nearly choked in laughter. The woman was priceless. She brought a hair dryer? Where was she planning to plug it in? Chuckling, Bobby thought of a few places he’d plug it in. It would probably fire right up too.
He had just thrown his bag—and what looked like the bag that contained her overnight things in the tent—when Rhonda barreled screaming down the path.
“What the fuck?” he jumped away as she dove inside the tent. “Baby what’s wrong? It’s just getting dark; nothing should be out hunting yet. Did you take a shit after all and have a big nasty bug crawl out of your ass?”
“Shut up, you’re not funny.” She grabbed a sleeping bag and pulled it up to her chin. “There’s something out there. A monster.”
A fucking monster. Right
. “Calm down. There’s nothing out here.”
“I’m telling you I saw it,” she shook, her eyes full of unshed tears.
The dimness of the evening light cast shadows around her face, reminding Bobby of Story Time at Scout camp.
“It was huge, bigger than you. It growled at me and I ran. I think its coming, it followed me.”
“You’re panicking hon,” Bobby crawled into the tent with her, a plan already forming in his mind. “Come on; think about this for a minute.”
“No I don’t need to think about it, I know what I saw.”
“Monsters?” he pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair. As he hoped, she leaned in to him to bury her face in his chest. “I wouldn’t let anything hurt you. Don’t you know that?”
“What are you going to do?” she sniffed. “We’re in a piece of shit tent with nothing to defend ourselves.”
“I’d do whatever I have to,” Bobby tilted her face to his and smiled at her. “True love, remember?”
Her lips trembling, she smiled back. Bobby kissed her gently and wiped the tears from her cheeks. Leaning down again he took his chance and deepened the kiss. She gave no resistance and he grinned against her lips. Bobby moved his hands down her back, slipping them under her tank top. She stiffened but didn’t slap him away. Encouraged he stroked the bare skin of her back, slowly coming around to her breasts. He’d dreamt of touching them from the moment he met her. Firm jugs like hers had to be enjoyed properly.
“Bobby,” she murmured against his lips.
He continued his journey, moving up her stomach. She pulled away slightly. “Really, this is not a good time.”
“Come on honey, you’re killing me here.” He tried to pull her back but she pushed him away.
“Seriously, there is something out there,” she crawled to the front of the tent and pulled the zipper down.
“You think a zipper and mesh will keep a wild animal out of here?” Bobby shook his head. “Honey, it probably gave up the chase way down the path. Otherwise you’d be wolf meat by now.”
“It wasn’t a wolf,” she moved back beside him, leaving a foot of space between them. “Listen, I hear something.”
Bobby sighed and listened. He heard nothing for a moment then a slight shuffling outside. The truck door opening then silence. “Fucking animal is going to steal my truck.” He mumbled.
“What kind of animal can open a truck door?” Rhonda asked.
Bobby didn’t reply. Raccoons were smart little bastards; they could be really nasty too. He opened his mouth to suggest it when a large shadow danced in the front of the tent.
“Shit,” Rhonda was next to him again, nearly on his lap. If it weren’t for the large shadow, he’d have enjoyed himself.
“Just be quiet,” he whispered. “It’s just checking things out.”
“What if it comes in here?”
“An animal is not that smart. Stay silent and we’ll wait it out. It only looks big because of the fire out there.”
Apparently, silence to Rhonda meant whimpering like a damn ninny. He watched the shadow move closer and pause at Rhonda’s side. The wall of the tent moved in slightly and he heard a panting sound, like a dehydrated dog.
She squealed and Bobby had to fight the urge to bitchslap her.
“Shut up and let me think,” he pushed her away then reached for the flap.
“No, Bobby, don’t.”
“I need to see what’s out there. Shit Rhonda, it’s probably a coon.”
“A raccoon doesn’t pant like that. They don’t pant at all. It’s that thing.”
Bobby closed his eyes and counted to ten. She was the biggest chicken he’d ever seen. Wouldn’t even shit in the woods, the bugs might climb up her ass. “You didn’t see anything. I told you before it’s probably a wolf or something you saw out there. There is no ‘monster’.”
“You still want to go out there for a wolf?” her voice hiked a notch. “Are you fucking crazy? Its waiting for us, whatever it is. He keeps circling the tent.”
“If you’d shut up, it would never know we were here.” Bobby leaned toward the flap again and moved it an inch.
“Now be quiet or I’m throwing you out there.” He warned and turned to peer through the opening.
He could see nothing but darkness; the fire was dying, just a few coals left giving off a dim light. He could kill Rhonda for her bright ideas. Sure, let’s fuck around pretending we’re being chased, while we leave all the food outside. Let’s attract every wild animal for miles.
A flash of fur followed by a large eyeball passed by the opening of the tent. Was it glowing? “Shit,” Bobby scrambled back next to Rhonda.
“What? What did you see?” She clawed at his shirt, but he didn’t care. She should be scared, that was no animal.
“I don’t know,” he struggled to breathe. “I just saw an eye. It was like white and glowing.”
Rhonda stared at him, “You’re joking right? Stop making fun of me.” She pushed him away.
“I’m not joking babe, it was a glowing eye. I swear.”
“Why’d you have to pick such an empty, godforsaken place to camp? Most people rent at a campground for this very reason.” She glared at him. “I don’t know why I agree to this stupid shit.”
“It’s not really camping when you have flush toilets and showers,” Bobby sulked. “It’s not my fault this place is overrun with whatever that thing is.”
”What can we do?” she whimpered.
”We’ll wait for morning. I’m not going out there and it doesn’t look like it’s coming in.”
“Bobby, it’s only like nine o’clock. We’ve got hours yet until morning. Do something.”
“What the fuck am I supposed to do? You’re so brave you go out there and see what it is.”
She pressed her lips together. She looked pissed. Turning to the flap she opened it just a crack. Bobby moved back, she would get them both killed. Those eyes weren’t right. Nothing he’d ever seen had eyes like that.
“I don’t see anything Bobby, its pitch black out there. How could you-“a snarl drowned her words. Rhonda stumbled back, sliding on her ass toward Bobby. “What the hell was that?” she hit the back of the tent and kept moving, causing it to shake.
“Jesus, cut it out.” Bobby punched her arm. “Stop it Rhonda, now it knows we’re here. You are one stupid bitch.”
Rhonda didn’t speak. She stared at the opening, her eyes wide. The shadows grew, as though whatever was out there moved closer to them.
“It’s coming in,” she whispered.
Bobby listened as the noise drew closer.
They held their breath, neither daring to move an inch. It sniffed at the flap of the tent, making a loud snorting sound. Up to the top it went, then down again to the zipper.
“Okay, we’ve got a flashlight,” Rhonda whispered. “What else do we have?”
She sighed. “To use as a weapon, stupid. Jesus, Bobby, a fucking waste of time is what you are.”
“You can’t kill anything with a flashlight.”
“Let’s test that theory Bobby. You hold still and I’ll try to beat the life out of you.”
“Fuck off,” he moved the sleeping bags around, searching for his overnight bag.
Rhonda reached over to the corner of the tent, and pulled her backpack toward her. Opening it she rummaged through. “I’ve got a razor, a toothbrush, and a lighter.”
“Great, if it holds still we can shave it, clean its teeth, maybe singe its fur before we break the flashlight over its head. That should be just enough to piss it off.”
“You got anything better asshole?”
“Actually, I do. I’ve got a gun, but it’s over there.” He pointed to the front, where the shadow now stood. Inching forward he looped his foot through the strap and pulled it toward him.
A snarl, the zipper rising, the shadow directly in front of it. Bobby glanced at Rhonda whose eyes were ready to bulge out of their sockets. He lunged forward and pulled the bag into his lap. Just as he opened the zipper Rhonda grabbed his arm, her nails digging into his skin. Fear overwhelming his need to get his gun, Bobby looked up.
The flap opened, brown fur surrounding white glowing eyes came inside. Rhonda opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out.
Bobby stared. What the hell was it? Its face looked like a large dog, and its body resembled a human, but covered in matted brown hair. It smelled terrible, like wet dog and shit all rolled into one.
It looked at each of them, as though pondering which would be the tastier treat. Bobby watched the thing consider its options. One hairy paw, long claws on the tips of it’s ‘fingers’, pointed at Rhonda. Bobby looked at her, she stared at him. What did she expect him to do?
He looked back to the thing, “You want her?”
It nodded, making a snorting sound. Rhonda shook her head. “No, Bobby, tell it no.”
Bobby didn’t utter a sound.
“Tell it no.”
“You tell it no, it likes you.”
Her gasp sent the thing into what sounded like laughter. It nodded its head.
“Fucking jerk,” she muttered. Licking her lips she turned back to the thing. “Listen, he’s much tastier than me. I’m a smoker, bad for you. This asshole doesn’t even eat red meat. He works out every day, and he rarely drinks. That would taste amazing, like free range chicken.”
“Muscle is chewier,” Bobby argued.
The thing stared at them. It bared its teeth, as though smiling. It huffed a few times before a sound came out.
“Did it say what I think it said?” Rhonda whispered.
“I don’t know.”
It huffed again, and the word was clear this time. “Breed.”
“Good luck with that buddy,” Bobby laughed despite his fear.
“No fucking way,” Rhonda backed further into the tent, pressing so far into the back wall, the top began to cave. “I will not fuck a mutant bear or whatever the hell that is.”
“Breed,” the thing reached up to grab her ankle sending her into fits. She thrashed about, causing the tent to collapse on them. Bobby cursed and grabbed her flailing arms.
“Jesus, calm down. You’re going to kill both of us doing that.” The tent ripped. They lay staring up at the thing. It leaned over them, and touched her cheek.
Bobby scrambled to his feet, bag still in his hands. Keeping his eye on the thing, he fumbled around for his gun. Closing his hand around it, he sighed in relief and held it up to the beast.
“Back away and no one gets hurt,” Bobby tried to sound brave, but his voice betrayed him. High and whiney, even he knew he sounded like a pussy.
Rhonda whimpered, her gaze riveted to the beast above her. “Bobby, honey? Now would be a good time to pull the fucking trigger.”
Bobby’s hands trembled as he held the gun. He thought of the sign ‘yetHe's here
and for the first time in his life, Bobby prayed. “I mean it asshole, leave her alone.” The beast moved toward him and Bobby fired, but the report of the gun didn’t echo through the night as he’d hoped. Only a soft click.
Apparently God took a holiday tonight.
Bobby thought, He certainly wasn’t ‘within’ anyone here..
“Did you forget to load the fucking gun?” Rhonda screamed. “You asshole, you didn’t load the gun. I can’t believe this, you are a total fuck up.” The beast turned his attention to Rhonda once more. “Shit, help me Bobby.”
The man I marry will sweep me off my feet.
Bobby dropped the gun and lowered his head in defeat "Well, here he is, baby. I’d never stand in the way of true love.”
While Rhonda’s screams echoed in the distance, Bobby fled the clearing. A flash of yellow caught his eye. The sign. It suddenly made sense to him.
Yet He’s here…yet He’s here? Yeti’s here!
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