Sunday, May 26, 2013
Life 2.0: Ten Ways Writers Can Create a Better Future
By OFW editor:
Published: September 14, 2013
I like that writers using a futuristic setting shake things up a bit. But has anyone else noticed that no one does the obvious with humanity? What about a 2.0 version of life on Earth, with improved bodies and whatnot? I think there are several facts of life that need to change in order to create a perfect utopia. I don’t care about government or society, let’s change humans first. Here are just a few of my ideas:
Food is like, my favorite thing. I couldn’t live without bacon and Doritos, but what if we only ate because we wanted to, not because we have to do it or die? Think of all of the other diversions in life more enjoyable than eating. We’d never have to pause to gnaw on sustenance. I think eating should be a pastime, something to do recreationally, like sex. If people of the future didn’t have to eat, we could also eliminate nasty shit like food allergies, lactose intolerance, diabetes and hypoglycemia. Okay, get on that brainiacs.
Why should we have to rely on something we can’t see, smell or taste to live? I can’t even live underwater and that’s on my bucket list. Sounds pretty pathetic to me. You think the aliens are letting little things like lungs stop them? Pffft. We need to get on the evolution train and eliminate breathing as a necessary bodily function.
We get rid of breathing, and sinuses go with it. How awesome is that? No sneezing, sinus headaches, hay fever...oh the things we could do.
3. The Fragile Human Body
So, it’s really cool that we have all of these bones and shit. But seriously, we could improve. Humans are far too fragile if a tiny car can break a leg or a fist in the face can shatter a nose. Also there’s the pain. Why does a bumped toe have to hurt worse than the fires of Hell? So, let’s make bones strong as…what’s the strongest material? Good. Make them as strong as that.
We get sick too often. These mothers with their hand sanitizer and organic nonsense are reversing evolution. Kids might not catch as many colds, but when a virus does slip in, their poor little immune systems are all “What the fuck is THIS?” So, let’s get rid of the possibility of infectious diseases entirely. Hey, you’re the science-minded folks, you figure out how that happens. I bet if we got rid of the pharmaceutical companies and the government, those vaccines and cures would come rolling out. But perhaps you can figure out a way for us to evolve into disease free organism.
Pee, poop, snot, blood and whatnot is gross. If we eliminate the need to eat, I suppose most of these excretions would be less frequent, but why not eliminate them entirely? I mean, shit smells horrible. The wrong combination of food is like shoving dynamite in your ass. A human living in Life 2.0 should not have to shit like that. He certainly shouldn’t have to wake up at 2am to empty his bladder. And oh my god, how awesome would it be to never have another period to worry about? No tampons? No awful sex scenes written for soccer moms to fantasize about. Win-win!
My skin is pale, and my tanning process is rather simple. I burn, freckle, burn, freckle burn, freckle, and when it’s all said and done and October rolls in, I’m white again. Those that do tan, well they’re looking at a big fat cancer scare. The sun is a fiery ball of assholery and really, we can defeat it. Consider this: we’ve spent thousands and thousands of years under sunlight, and yet we’ve never developed a natural tolerance to this bastard. Why? Sunhats and sunscreen are holding us back. Life 2.0 should see humanity completely immune to the sun’s shenanigans. Get to work science guys.
7. The Crazies
Mental illness should be considered subjective. People consider a mental illness something to suffer from, but seriously, if you’re not out slaughtering people and you don’t mind the voices, should it really be seen as a defect? I think the whole idea of mental illness should be beyond humans in Life 2.0. If someone is a little kooky, let him be kooky. If he’s all weird with the blood sacrifices and such…he’s a liability to our utopia. Off with his head.
So money causes us to work hard, and who wants to do that all the time? Not this girl. Why not just do away with it? Most of us only work because we want to make enough money to buy shit. Why not make housing, food, and such free? No one has more than anyone else. We all have an allotment of stuff and that’s it. We work for entertainment. Think about it! If you only need to put in hours at a job to earn “Fun Tokens” then how horrible will you think that job is? We’ll have happier salespeople and everyone will be full, sheltered and equal. Oh, that might be a problem. A new perspective on “worth” might drive a few folks batshit. Oh well, they can be eliminated with the bloodthirsty nutters.
9. Mortality and Aging
Getting old sucks. Aching bits and pieces, sagging whatnots and wrinkles aren’t nice. The general decline of physical and mental prowess due to aging is quite depressing and unnecessary. Humans of the future should not age. Let’s all age to a maximum point (I’m quite fond of 25-ish), and then our bodies should lock in, making use of our peak physical condition. If you’d like, we could just eliminate death, but then we’d need some type of population control. I know! No more pregnancy via sex. We’ll have to apply for kids, and have them made in a lab and delivered to us upon approval. There. I just solved a whole list of problems. What’s that? Miracle? I’ve given birth. No miracle about it. Just blood, pain, stitches and screams. I could do without that.
10. The Meaning of Life
So how long have we been trying to figure this one out? Humans living in Life 2.0 will be born knowing the meaning of their lives. I think this would make our choices smarter and reduce the overall stupidity of our race. It’d also end all of these religious debates and all out wars. Your god can’t be better than my god because we already know what’s going on behind the scenes and who is responsible for our existence. No arguments. Perfect.
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