Do you feel old? Is it depressing you? Well, don’t let it get you down. Really, you’re only as old as you feel. Who cares what that birth certificate says? There are benefits to growing older. Seriously, I kid you not. Just a few I’ve learned:
1. Your odds of being abducted are slimmer than winning the lottery.
Kidnappers just aren't that into you. And if they are, I think you could take them.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
They always let the old folks go because if we die of natural causes, then they won't get what they asked for.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
Because let’s face it, you’re not as agile as you used to be. You run in there, someone else might have to go in to get you. Then the problem is just made worse. No one wants you to make things worse. Leave the heroics to the youngsters.
4. Your body is more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Sure, it says sunshine all week, but your old football injury says a wicked thunderstorm is coming in a few hours. It is never wrong.
5. There is almost nothing left that you need to learn the hard way.
That alone makes up for all the shit that comes with being old.
6. Cops no longer get called to your parties.
Because you’ve learned how to drink responsibly…and no one calls the cops before ten anymore so your party is over long before it becomes an issue.
7. You no longer have to suck in your stomach or stick out your chest.
That’s not to say you’re in shape. You just stopped giving a shit.
8. You can now sing along with elevator music.
Good times.
9. You can share your secrets with your friends.
Because most of the time, they can’t remember what you told them.
10. No one questions your sleepy, bloodshot eyes.
They expect us older folks to be tired and listless.
Kidnappers just aren't that into you. And if they are, I think you could take them.