Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Ten Distractions a Serious Writer Must Get Rid Of
By OFW editor:
Published: September 15, 2013
Writing is an endeavor that requires absolute concentration. Serious writers know this. One tiny distraction could mean the difference between brilliance and utter trash. The very thought of the time wasted by the many distractions of the common man (or woman) makes me tremble, I swear, because I am a serious writer. To better my craft I’ve had to rid myself of the most heinous distractions of all, and I urge you to do the same.
Soul-sucking little heathens, that’s what. Children selfishly demand you interrupt your very important work for silly things like food, and water and, ugh, love. Best get rid of them if you want to be a serious writer. You don’t need love. You have your craft.
There’s a conspiracy afoot. Someone, at some point in time, started the insane rumor that we need food to survive. Pfft. You can’t write while eating food and the conspirators know it. They’re trying to keep you from reaching your full potential. Plus, eating only increases the odds you’ll develop writer’s ass. (Shudder) Let the power of your words nourish you.
When nature calls, you have to stop writing, get up, and answer. This can take anywhere from five minutes to…well it depends what you ate really. (Another reason to abolish food.) You can eliminate nature’s call and go when you have time to go using one simple, yet wonderful invention: adult diapers. Hey, a serious writer wouldn’t curl her nose. She’d get what I’m saying.
Yes, bills have to be paid, but your art needs your total focus. Sure, if you don’t work you might lack for things like a roof, but there are lots of people who manage just fine without one. You could write every minute of every hour of every day. Imagine your success if you could just devote 100 percent of your waking hours to writing. So, either learn to rough it, or find yourself a sugar daddy (or mommy).
The need to be clean is a senseless distraction that a serious writer would never allow. Cleanliness is not a necessity. It’s not for yourself that you shower, is it? It’s for those snobs who seem to think that eau de you is offensive. Screw them. Shower when you’re no longer in the throes of inspiration. Or don’t. It’s your right not to be clean.
Really, they’re needy, demanding and almost as bad as children for denying you valuable writing time. Serious writers live quite well without frivolities such as friends, and it hasn’t affected their mind at all. Life is much less exhausting without friends. Quiet, yes. Lonely, perhaps. But hey, you live inside your head anyway. Make friends with the voices.
Damn wretched invention, that sleep. Be done with it. You can sleep when you’re dead. For now, you must write.
Worse than friends and kids, pets not only want to be fed and entertained, they make messes. They shit in closets, pee on walls, get fleas, and chew shoes. Who needs a loyal pal that loves you no matter how horrible you are? Not this girl. I’m a serious writer.
Serious writers know that writing is art, and art is 99 percent talent. You either got it or you don’t. Why waste valuable time learning rules meant for hacks who can’t manage without them? Write the way your heart tells you to write. Ignore grammar and proper form. Ignore punctuation and plot. Create art. Oh, it makes me breathless just thinking of the misunderstood genius we could generate.
The worst distraction plaguing the serious writer is reading. Why the hell would you contaminate your mind with someone else’s words? Surely it leads to unintentional plagiarism at the very least. At worst, it sucks up immense amounts of time. Ugh. Just stop reading. Write your way and don’t worry about what you might learn. As I said, writing is art. You can’t teach such things. A serious writer would never want to escape into another writer’s world. What possible reason would you have for indulging your imagination? It should be reserved only for your work.
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