Friday, December 06, 2013
Ten Essential Truths
By OFW editor:
Published: July 28, 2013
Writing fiction gets tricky sometimes. Trying to give the reader the same picture that’s in your head usually fails. But there are some things that are just known and accepted; things that you don’t have to get into a detailed description of and you don’t have to explain the how to's and why fors. People just know what you’re talking about because it’s an “essential truth.” These things simply are, no matter where you’re from or what you do. Here are just a few essential truths I’ve learned.
1. A child’s voice is louder than a rocket taking off.
Especially when said child is talking about something you wish he’d forget in a crowd of people you wish couldn’t hear him.
2. When you hear the words “Uh-oh” it is already too late.
At work or at home, it doesn’t matter. Uh-oh is the universal sign that disaster has already struck. The cat is already tumbling in the dryer, your gas tank is already full of marbles or that file you've been working on for hours is already gone...and you didn't save it before lardass sat on your keyboard.
3. LEGO pieces will pass through the digestive tract.
But the way out is a much more painful route than the way in.
4. "Boiling eggs" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
I speak from experience.
5. Super glue is forever.
Well, about as forever as skin I suppose. You can break the bond if you don’t care about that layer of flesh that must go with it.
6. DVD players don’t like cheese slices.
Or pencils, or Cheerios, or beads…or anything BUT DVDs.
7. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes, sleds or Halloween costumes.
Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. It all ends in blood or tears or both.
8. You should always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Seriously. The one time you don’t check the oven will be the time something you absolutely do not want to bake is in there, like a plastic something-or-other, or the cat.
9. Children always throw up hot dogs.
Even if they have never eaten a hot dog. I don’t know what kind of universal black magic is at work here, but 99% of all child vomit contains a substance that looks like wiener chunks. What is that shit?
10. A cat only vomits on the items that cannot be cleaned.
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