Sunday, December 08, 2013
Ten Fun Things to Do with a Shitty Book that DO NOT Include Burning
By OFW editor:
Published: September 06, 2013
We’ve all been there, buying a book that got a lot of hype (or that was highly recommended by a mistakenly trusted friend) and then sitting down eagerly to read 300 pages of shit. Oh, the agony of wanting to put it down, but not wanting to waste the ten to 30 dollars we just spent. Well, I have the solution. There are many ways to make a shitty book interesting; you just need to be creative.
1. Read it upside down.
Sure, it sounds crazy, but your gag reflex will be silenced as your brain struggles with the challenge of upside down shit. Try it. Although, don’t read upside down too long. I hear it can make your head explode.
2. Get a red pen.
Every time you read a bit that sets your teeth on edge, strike it out. Make it a game. How much of the book will be red by the time you finish? Make your wager and see what happens. Once, I covered at least half of every page in red. Then I read the stricken parts and determined what NOT to do the next time I sat down to write.
3. Read it backward.
Start at the last page and the last word and keep going backward. See how far you can get before you’re confused. If you’re less confused reading it backward than forward, you’ve just bought yourself 300 pages of kindling.
4. Read it aloud.
Give funny voices to the characters. Grab a friend to help you, and a bottle of something intoxicating. Maybe video tape it, and then share it with the rest of us. Yes, this is more for my amusement than yours.
5. Sing it.
Sometimes I sing the story in my head as I read. I don’t know, but it seems to help me get through the boring parts. It’s usually to the tune of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” or “Push It.”
6. Read only the odd pages.
Hey, whatever gets you to “The End” faster, right?
7. Read every other scene.
And try to figure out what should be in between.
8. Reverse the genders of every character.
Sure you’ll have to think about it as you read, but at least your brain is getting some exercise. Also, it’s funny. Watch:
“Julio caressed his breast, smiling at the way her hand fit so perfectly over his heaving porcelain orbs.”
“Don’t.” Rebecca gasped, his sapphire eyes shooting daggers at Julio. “You know Papa is in the next room. All I’d have to do is call, and you’ll be sorry you ever crossed me.”
“I ain’t afraid of your Papa. She couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with a cannon.”
Oh fun times.
9. Get crafty.
Make some origami something or others. Or become one of those anonymous artists who cut the guts from the book to make something awesome. This is not recommended if you've bought an e-book. I'm not saying you can't. It's your money after all.
10. Mad Libs.
Substitute a profanity, sexual act, or a body part for every adverb. It’s fun. Promise.
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