The Catholics like their saints, don’t they? In researching saints for something I’m working on (actually, I just needed the name of one saint and got a little Google-blind) I realized that there is a patron saint for just about everything under the sun. Librarians get three, the greedy bastards. Anyway, every one of us probably has a patron saint. Here are a few I found rather…random.

 

You think I’m joking, but I’m not. Pope Saint Cornelius was dragged into the papacy in 251. I say dragged because he knew such a job would be a deadly, what with the Romans getting all intense with their torture of Christians. Well, he managed a whole two years before they lopped off his head. He’s represented by a battle horn. No, I have not a clue how that relates to twitching and such. No one ever said the Catholics had to make sense.

 

Guess who it is. Come on, just do it. No? Okay, Saint Valentine of Rome is the patron saint of greeting card manufacturers. Duh. Valentine was a priest and a doctor, and his apparent mistake was helping imprisoned martyrs. That got him a sound beating and beheading. In addition to his greeting card saint honors, he’s also the patron saint of love, beekeepers and against plague and epilepsy. Apparently epilepsy is a two saint job.

 

Yeah, we all need this one. Saint Jane Frances de Chantal has two feast days: December 12 or August 12. I guess it depends which in-law is causing the problems. Jane was raised by a single dad, her mother died soon after Jane’s birth. Jane had four children, but a hunting accident left her a widow and she was forced to live with her father-in-law, who was a giant asshole. To get away from him she prayed. I gotta tell you, not the most effective escape plan, Jane. Just saying. She became a follower of Francis de Sales (more on him later) in 1604 and founded the Order of the Visitation of Our Lady. This order opened 69 convents for women who were not healthy or young enough to join other orders.

 

Want to sell guns illegally? We’ve got a saint for that. Good thing too, because I hear it’s a short-lived kind of lifestyle. Saint Adrian of Nicomedia is the patron saint of arms dealers. Adrian was a guard of the Roman Emperor Maximinus. This meant he had firsthand experience with the torture and persecution of Christians. But he eventually came to admire their tenacity—er, I mean faith, and joined them. Before the Christians could baptize him, the Romans arrested, tortured and chopped him to bits. Oh, and then they burned him for good measure. His wife did manage to save a hand…

 

Wonder if this includes pregnancy tests? Anyway, Saint Joseph of Cupertino began having “ecstatic” visions around age eight. Their frequency made a normal childhood impossible. So did his learning disability. He was able to absorb only small bit of information at a time, and then it’s said that he prayed he’d only be tested on the shit he remembered. Don’t worry, Joe. We’ve all been there. Because there were so many triggers for his visions, which left him gaping like a fool for long periods of time, Joseph was also known for making a scene wherever he went. To reduce his troublesome behavior in the highly disciplined friary, Joseph was isolated for decades in his room. He is also the patron saint of aviators because of his habit of levitating as he prayed.

Saint Eligius was a metal smith. He gave handouts to the poor and lived a spiritual life. In 641 he became a bishop, then he built the basilica of Saint Paul. He liked designing caskets and digging up relics. He’s patron saint for all things related to smithing, and also to horses. This is because of his apparently mad horse whispering skills. It’s rumored he cut off a horse’s leg to re-shoe the hoof and then reattached it. Um…sure. And the connection to gas stations? Well, when cars replaced horses, stables replaced gas stations, and that’s where old Eligius got put.

 

This girl is busy. Saint Clotilde was born a princess, and was daughter to the king of Burgundy. Her father died while she was a teen, and she was married off to King Clovis. Her life was full of bullshit, starting with her father’s murder and continuing with the murder of her grandsons by their uncle, her son. How did she get to sainthood? She converted King Clovis to Christianity. Her sons fought over the spoils left after the death of their father, and rather than make them get along, she got the hell away from them like any smart mother with horrible children would do, spending the rest of her life caring for the poor and the sick in France. Considering the shit those boys put her though, I can totally see why she got such a posting.

 

And...it’s a guy. Saint Giles was born rich, but gave his money to the poor and at some point started to work miracles. To keep folks from bothering him (because everyone is looking for a miracle, right?), he hid in a cave. According to the locals, the cave was covered by a prickly bush, which made coming and going for food and whatnot rather difficult. So God, being the helpful sort, gave Giles a deer so he could drink her milk. Um, ick? The king happened by one day and tried to shoot the deer with an arrow. He missed because he was probably drunk, and hit Giles instead. The cave was discovered and the adoring masses came calling. The king, feeling guilty about his poor aim, built a monastery for Giles, and because of the crippling injury suffered by the poor aim of the king, it was a popular hangout for cripples and beggars. But he’s the patron saint of breastfeeding, not cripples and beggars, because he liked breastfeeding far more than he did the cripple stuff.

 

It just gets more ridiculous, no? Saint Hubert of Liege was the firstborn son of Bertrand, Duke of Aquitaine. Hubert’s wife died, and since he was still young and full of life, he gave up all his shit—money, title, everything—and turned to the priesthood. Hubert is associated with the hunt, so that led to him getting the post as patron saint of hunting dogs and the patron saint against dog bites and of course rabies. Sorry, I’m out of wisecracks.

 

You didn't think I'd forget the most important saint of all, did you? Francis de Sales was a writer and so he is patron of journalists and writers. Francis believed the worst sin was to judge someone or to gossip about them. Well, I’m with you there, Frank. He wanted to be a hermit, but folks liked him and so he was constantly in demand. I feel you there too. The Pope needed him, later a princess started nagging, then Louis XIII. There was just no end. He died on December 28, 1622, after giving a nun his last word of advice: "Humility." Fitting, isn’t it? I mean, isn’t humility a writer’s middle name? He is patron saint of journalists and writers because of his many writings. His feast day is January 24.