Sunday, May 26, 2013
Ten Things That Are Worth Getting Upset About
By OFW editor:
Published: August 18, 2013
I can sometimes be a bit moody, a tad emotional, like most writers, and that’s why I’ve decided to only get upset about the things that truly matter in a writer’s life. Who has time to get upset over the passing of paperbacks? Why should we mourn over the ginormous mess that is the bestseller list? I refuse to get angry over rejection number 100123. I avoid the news because I know they’d announce something like the plague and then I’d be all upset and worried, and really, if we’re all about to die a horrible, disgusting, painful death such as the plague, shouldn’t we just enjoy the time we have? Besides, there are more important things to be upset about.
1. That eyelash in your eye.
Miserable fucker’s been there all day making your eye burn like the fires of hell. When will it end? You just want to see, damn it! You’d think with all the technology we have, someone would have figured out a way to get an eyelash out of one’s eye without all the rubbing and tearing and whatnot.
2. Stubbed toes.
Why does banging a single toe, no matter how lightly, on a piece of furniture hurt worse than childbirth?
3. The sour milk you just drank because some fucktard left it on the counter all night, and slipped it back into the fridge to hide his guilt.
Even if you just left it in there too long, it's okay to be mad about this.
4. The alien bug hiding somewhere in the bathroom.
He only comes out when you’re all naked and vulnerable. The minute you’re ready for him, the bastard takes off.
5. Coffee shortage.
6. School coming, and it’s bringing the lice with it.
Surely with all of the technology we have, someone would have figured out how to avoid yearly lice epidemics. Better yet, why don’t parents learn how to not send their kids to school with lice? Yeah.
7. Soccer moms at the bookstore blocking your access to real books.
You don’t care about their stupid mommy-porn. You just want to be able to slip through their giant, tittering mass, grab your book, and get the hell out of there. Why must they congregate around the books anyway? Just buy it and move along. And PS bookstores: Could you maybe put the porn at the back of the store so your regular customers who read all the time, and buy books from you more than once a year could still get inside? Thanks.
8. The government.
Do you need a reason?
9. Close talkers
Why you gotta stand so close? Eek! Are you…touching me? It’s very annoying. Definitely more stress-worthy than the fate of the publishing industry.
People who chew with their mouths open should not be allowed to live. Just saying.
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