Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Ten Things You Don't Have to Do Before You Die
By OFW editor:
Published: September 09, 2013
Everyone has a bucket list in their head. Maybe you’ve only got like one or two things you want to accomplish before you leave this planet (if you leave, that is) or maybe yours is longer than Santa’s naughty list. We’ve been talking about bucket lists around here lately because, well, life just throws curve balls now and then that cause you to think deep, morbid thoughts like that. There are a lot of things that end up on bucket lists just because they’re the “cool” thing to do before you die. But people just don’t think this shit through. I mean, it’s your bucket list. It’s entirely possible that if you don’t do all of these things and get taken out by a bus tomorrow, your spirit will be earthbound forever because you left shit undone. Some things should be crossed off. Here’s a few you’ll never see on my bucket list. What about yours?
1. Sex on a plane.
Public places are nasty, dirty places that are just oozing bacteria everywhere. We line the damn toilet seats or hover precariously over the bowl just to avoid catching some rare, incurable disease. You want to put your whatnots on those surfaces? Really? I have never had sex on a plane, nor will I do so before I die. And I’m totally okay with that.
2. Visit Graceland.
I don’t have to. Elvis’s ghost lives in Tweed. Graceland comes here every fucking year.
3. Swim in the ocean.
Um, sharks live there, and little gross jelly things that sting you so someone has to pee on you. No thanks. I’ve already taken my chances with Stoco Lake.
4. Make a sex tape.
Unless there is some serious cash changing hands, there will never be video footage of me doing that. It never stays private for long and I just know I have a horrible orgasm face. Everyone does. Think about it.
5. Run a marathon.
Seriously guys, what is your damage? Most of you won’t run across the street, and you want to run a marathon “before you die?” This is definitely not on my list. My goal is to run less and less until I never run at all.
6. Learn to drive a stick shift.
Why do they still make stick shifts? That’s what I want to know.
7. Travel around the world.
There are places on that trip that just aren’t interesting enough to waste any time in. Better to find one really cool place and stay there for a really long time.
8. Run with the bulls in Spain.
Yeah, I can do that a few miles up the road, and strangely it’s never tempted me. Why would you do something so monumentally stupid? Then people are all shocked and sad when someone gets gored and dies. You’re running from bulls! What did you expect to happen?
9. Climb Mount Big-As-Shit
Again, why? I would think that reading about all the folks that die because humans aren’t meant to climb to those altitudes should be sufficient reason to cross this one off your list. Also, there are enough photos of folks holding flags on mountain tops with giant frozen boogers hanging off their faces.
10. Win the lottery.
You've got a better chance at getting a superpower.
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