Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Ten Things a Fan Should Never Send to His Favorite Author
By OFW editor:
Published: July 18, 2013
Some authors achieve a celebrity that rivals actors and rock stars. Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer (come on, if nothing else, the woman is damn famous), and Chuck Palahnuik, for example, are names most people know simply because they’re in the media so often. Well that, and their books have been read by millions. There are dozens of others I’m not mentioning here, I know. Let’s not take a bite out of me for that. I’m trying to keep things brief.
As writers, we tend to be a little more passionate about our favorite authors because we’ve experienced the creative process and we’d die to be mentioned in the same breath as our idols one day. (PS: Don’t hold your breath.) But fandom and crazy stalker bitch are perilously close on the scale of acceptable and illegal behaviors. So, next time you send a fan letter to one of your favorite authors, leave these items out. If you’ve already sent any one of these things…well I hear you get lots of time to write in prison.
1. Dead Things
I should not have to explain this one.
Food doesn’t do so well via courier or postal service. It just doesn’t. Also, your favorite author knows not what you put in it. You might have stuck your own secret sauce in that shit for all they know. You better hope they don’t have the cops analyze it.
3. Photos of said author taken from inside his home.
I’m telling you, they don’t find this flattering at all, even if you get their good side. Next time, just send the ones you took from the street.
4. Your photo
Now they have a way to track you—or rather, the cops have a way to track you. Didn’t think of that, did you, Einstein?
Writers love booze, but sending it by mail is illegal. I’m telling you not to send this one because I am your friend. Also, your favorite author will know you’re not a real “writer” because a real writer would NEVER give away booze.
Did you know the postal service has like drug sniffing dogs now? Yeah. So you better send that shit FedEx.
7. Your manuscript
They don’t care about your undeniable talent. They just don’t.
Not blood in a vial. Not blood on clothes. Not blood of any kind, on anything. Got it? That’s just sick, man. Sick.
9. Love/Suicide letters
Love letters will make your favorite author wish you were dead, and suicide letters are just depressing.
10. Death threats
I don’t think I need to explain this one either. Let me just say that the quickest way to your idol’s heart is not fear. Okay?
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