We know eating healthy is…well it’s healthy. I remember what’s on Canada’s Food Guide and I even eat some of that shit. But what I really care about is what of these healthy foods will help my brain? What will make me more creative? Well folks, I actually researched this stuff. Some foods support brain function and a happy brain is a creative brain. I bring you, The Writer’s Food Guide.

 

Egg yolks and milk have this stuff called choline in them, and choline is awesome for your brain. It wards off senility! Yes, I am so having trouble with that right now. It also helps to boost your memory so you won’t forget shit, like whether your character has blue eyes or brown. I must eat more eggs. I’m not a big fan of milk. Makes me gassy.

 

Fruits and vegetables are great writer foods because they have antioxidants. Lots of ‘em. Apparently blueberries are like the superhero of the antioxidants, and help keep your creativity razor sharp. I’m not crazy about blueberries, but I do like bananas.

 

Omega-3 fatty acids, which you can get a ton of from fish oil, nuts and flax, boost gray matter. Now, don’t go all “Ew, fish oil and farting, great!” because building your brain power has to be worth it. Am I right? Omega 3 fatty acids help your brain build the highways it needs to carry information. Yes, we have highways in our brains, only they’re clean and contain no used condoms or body parts in the ditches. Anyway, if you don’t get enough of these wonderful acids, your brain will build roads from other types of oils. These are kind of like using gravel to pave a major highway. They don’t carry shit so well and everyone has to go super slow so that they don’t die or get a rock chucked into their windshield. Really inconvenient, you know?

 

Can you say, mmm? Folic acid ain’t just for pregnant women, folks. Apparently when all adults get a lot of this stuff, they have better cognitive function, particularly in memory and critical thinking. That means you’re smarter, Skippy. So, eat stuff with folic acid, like spinach and liver and you, my friend, will be a genius. Or you’ll at least manage one coherent thought a day. Look, it really depends on how dumb you are before the folic acid. It’s not like a miracle thing.

 

I’ve read that green tea makes your brain age well. This is good, I’m assuming. So when you’re old, your brain isn’t all “Oooh, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” and it’ll be able to keep writing. Sure, green tea tastes like vomit shot out of a dog’s ass, but a forever young brain is worth a dose of ass-vomit now and again.

 

I was all excited when I read about sugar being a brain food, but then scientists rained all over that parade right fast. It’s not the sugar we put in our coffee or on our cereal, or that delicious white powder awesomeness they smother donuts and waffles in. No, we’re talking glucose. Natural sugars. Those are in berries and fruits and shit. Well, not shit. Stuff, natural stuff that is not feces. Yes. Anyway, glucose boosts concentration and alertness. More focus equals less procrastination, or so they tell me.

 

Did you know that the antioxidant concentration in a cup of hot chocolate is higher than that in red wine or green tea? Screw you, vile tasting crap! I can get my antioxidant brain boost in a happy way. Sure, that other stuff is probably going to give you more antioxidants than a chocolate bar, but it’s chocolate!

 

Not only can you kill a man in like a hundred ways with a carrot (a la Clive Own in Shoot ‘Em Up…le sigh), but carrots are also brain foods. They’ve got beta carotene, magnesium and a bunch of other good stuff inside them. They even help improve your vision, and a writer that can see is good. Just don’t eat too many. An overabundance of carrots turns everything orange. Everything. Trust me, I know.

 

Whole grains have a buttload of carbohydrates that break down really slowly. They provide your brain fuel for hours on end. Sure, you’ll be on the can 90 percent of that time, but take a notebook and you can work while you…work.

 

 

10. Stimulants, etc.
Not cocaine. I’m not condoning that shit, you moron. I’m talking about good stimulants, etc. from somewhat natural sources. There are stimulants that boost brain speed, such as caffeine (yay!), sugars, and gingko biloba (love saying that). Of course, you shouldn’t overdo it on that stuff. You’ll be up all night long with hands way too shaky to sit at a computer. You might even clean or something. That is overdoing it, my friend. There are also stimulants that boost creativity. These work by boosting the right side of your brain, which the boring-ass right side usually keeps in check so you can think rationally and logically. Pfft! There’s no rational thinking in fiction! So where do we find a creativity booster? Well, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but alcohol blocks the shit out of the boring left brain. Don’t get all sloppy wasted. Just enough to take off the blinders and you’re good to go.