Sunday, October 07, 2012
Jarod Kintz
By OFW Editor: Renée Miller
Published: August 06, 2012

Accomplishment: Author

Which author makes you jealous and why?
I’m jealous of Stephen King, because he’s like royalty in the writing world. Plus, he beats me alphabetically. But just barely.
What makes your work worth paying for?
My work is worth paying for only if your conscience feels guilty after stealing. Instead of asking what makes my work worth paying for, I prefer to ask: What makes my work worth stealing? The answer is I’m not sure, but I try to dissuade people from stealing the best way I know how—by giving away all my goods for free. And my goods are good.
Does bestseller mean good writer?
Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about $9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars of disposable income, I’d be a bestseller tomorrow. But would I be a better writer? No, I’d be a poorer writer—about $75,000 dollars poorer.
E-books: Exciting, or a cause for unease?
I love e-books. I love the idea of storing books in “The Cloud”, because honestly, reading and rainy days go together like peanut butter and umbrellas.
Have you ever described yourself as “author” or, “published author”? Why?
I don’t like to describe myself as an author. I prefer the term scribe. But if you saw my handwriting, you might call me a scribbler. I believe it’s important for a superior being, such as myself, to maintain an air of humility, and this rarified air is just easier to inhale. Can I interest you in a gas mask?
Is there an over-arching moral theme in your work, if so what?
I would say my work focuses on nonsense and the absurd, but to be honest, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of focus in my writing. My writing is like David meets Goliath, and I am both the handshake that never happened, and the dwarf on the sideline thinking David is Goliath to me. If there’s always a bigger fish in the pond, then there’s always a smaller midget in the pool. And I’m just the humble lifeguard waiting for you to drown, so I can become a hero. If you need any help applying sunscreen to your buttocks, you just let me know.
Elmore Leonard listed ten rules, one of which is: 'Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip. Think of what you skip reading a novel.' What rule or piece of advice would you add to the list, and if you know his ten rules, which one would you break?
I completely agree with Elmore Leonard’s 10 Rules for Writing! The guy makes some great points! The best rule is when he says, “Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.” Following his rule, the best description of a character is, “Rebecca had a face—two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth. She also had a body—two arms, two legs, and a torso.” Can’t you just vividly picture her?! But what am I saying? I broke his rule. I got too descriptive. I should have simply stated, “Rebecca had a face and a body,” and then you could have really related to her as a person. Or an animal. Or possibly even an alien.
Should writers strive for literary merit?
There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award—but I nominated myself as the first recipient. You can’t always wait for success to come to you. Sometimes you just have to create it out of nothingness. Just ask the Federal Reserve.
Is your work original or another version of a tired old story?
I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because when all my clones arrive sometime in the future, their only hope is to try to copy me.
Which literary character would you like to sleep with?
If I could sleep with any literary character, I’d love to sleep with The Cat in the Hat. But don’t tell Cap’n, because he might get jealous and meow at me.
Which is the worst book you have ever read and b) which is the worst book you have never read?
The worst book I’ve ever read is “Ulysses,” by Joyce, because like my undergraduate college degree, that’s nine and a half years of my life I’ll never get back. If the book had been about 75 pages shorter, I might have finished it a year or two earlier.
The worst book I’ve never read is the book I’ve never written, nor will I ever write. That book is “Food, God, Sex”, which is not to be confused with “Eat, Pray, Love”. My book was going to be about calories, the cosmos, and orgasms, but I just don’t think there’s a market for that type of thing among all the other children’s books in the world.
“He is still smiling.” Sheri whispered.
“Indeed. Turn the screws a little more. We’re done wasting time with questions.”
The sound of ligaments tearing and bones popping blended with Kintz’s laughter to make a disturbing symphony.
Jarod Kintz has been rejected by the finest creative writing program, and also the not so finest creative writing program. His first rejection was from the University of Iowa's MFA program, possibly the best creative writing program in the universe, and the second rejection was by the University of Wyoming's MFA program, which he considers the anti-number one writing program in the universe.

He’s been writing for about a decade, and he says he’s getting better every ten years. “I went from terrible to tolerable, and in 2021 I hope to be Tolstoy.”
Once his bones heal, you can find Jarod lurking about on Twitter and Goodreads. 

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