Sunday, January 19, 2014
Ten Brilliant Answers to Stupid Questions
By OFW editor: Renée Miller
Published: July 21, 2013


Stupid questions are out of control. I’m serious here, guys. The sheer number of stupid questions asked of us in a single day is staggering. What is happening to the world? I mean, have we gone so daft that we can’t think for ourselves? Can we not filter what’s about to come out of our mouths and see that what we’re about to say will make us look like our brains are made of cotton candy? Sigh. Looks like it’s our job to help the folks who can’t help themselves. Next time someone asks you a stupid question, here are a few sarcastic answers to force their brains back to normal functioning.
 
1. Are you okay? (when you are clearly not okay)
“Sure, I always leak from my eyes when I’m okay.” or “I’m fine. It’s just a little flesh wound with a lot of blood. Better out than in, right?”
 
2. Is there only one cashier? (when clearly there is only one cashier)
“No, the others are invisible. So are their customers.”
 
3. What do you write?
“Words mostly. Sometimes sentences.”
 
4. Did you eat the last (insert tasty food item here)? (When clearly you ate it)
“No, I’m sure there's more out there somewhere.”
 
5. Do you know how fast you were going?
“No, but I have a pretty good idea how fast you were going.”
 
6. I met this guy from Canada. His name was Joe Guy Something-Or-Other. You know him? Jesus, how do you stand the cold all the way up there?
“Joe Guy live in Inuktuk, eh? Course I knows him. We good pals. When he come home from America, him got real smart on account of the air not being so thin down der. So he pick up big sticks, eh? Make bang, bang noise on rock and they spark. Then pretty orange god come and make much lights and heat. Now we very warm and all the snow turn to water. Good time have by all. Joe be king of Canada now. We feed him much poutine through his face hole. You jackass.”
 
7. Hey, you at home? (when calling you at home—on a landline)
“At home? Shit no. I’m in China learning how to make sock puppets. This new cordless phone is the bomb, dude! It’s got great reception even when I answer from across the fucking ocean.” Don’t use this answer if you only have a cell phone. In that case, this question is not stupid because you could be anywhere and answering like this makes you a jackass.
 
8. Are you crazy? (when clearly you are)
“Peanuts.”
 
9. Is that blood?
“That depends…what did you see?”
 
10. How do I look?
“With your eyes, I hope.”

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