Okay, it’s 2012, the final year of Earth as we know it. So, if you are like me, you’ll have a plan ready just in case those whackjobs are right about the upcoming apocalypse. What? You don’t? Good thing you all have me to watch your backs. Even smart people who know better have an apocalypse survival plan. The Centers for Disease Control even has an article about surviving a zombie apocalypse. No seriously. Now that you see the importance of this Take Ten, let’s examine what might cause an apocalypse:

 

…and zombies. Now here’s your apocalypse survival guide. Since you’re the unlucky bastard who made it out alive, you should try to stay that way.

 

And never take it off. Not even if you’re having nasty, bugs-in-your-ass sex with a fellow survivor, because sex is a need too. You’ll need your backpack to carry all the shit I’m going to tell you to have ready. And condoms. Don't forget condoms.

 

The apocalypse conditions we see in film are NOT likely what a real apocalypse will be like. Think nuclear winter. Don’t go bulky, your bag has more important things to carry. Clothing like long johns, gloves, hats, a few tshirts, and don’t forget one or two thin wool blankets and such will keep you warm during those lonely post-apocalyptic nights.

 

You will need food. You might think living in the city or an urban area negates the need for food. How many apocalypse movies do you need to watch before you get that riots are no joke. People will kill you for a loaf of bread. If you’ve got your own shit, food isn’t a pressing issue for a few days. Pick up what you can, of course, but have water, non-perishables that are lightweight and easy to carry, and a couple rolls of toilet paper stashed away. It’s not food, but you’ll thank me later. Oh and pack high calorie foods like Cheetos, cookies, and beans. Sure they're not healthy, but I’m willing to bet those skinny freaks who eat healthy are all dead anyway. If they aren't, they have no body fat to burn while they starve because all the healthy shit is gone. Oh and chocolate. You can jam a lot of chocolate bars in the bottom of a backpack. Finally, save your pets. Don’t think of them as one more mouth to feed. They’ve been your loyal companions. Chewers of the shoes. Shitters in the closet. Bringers of the fleas. Think of your pets as dinner when times get tough.

 

Now if this is a zombie or vampire apocalypse, covering those bloody wounds is a wise idea. No need to tempt the natives, am I right? First aid supplies won’t do shit if you get bit though, so just remember that. Pack a small plastic container with band aids, rubbing alcohol and such to treat minor wounds. It’d be awful to survive and have a paper cut be the end of you. Also, pack solar powered flashlights. We all know by now that batteries are NOT the way to go. A survival knife with all those handy gadgets will be useful too…and a lighter. Hell, ten lighters, they’re small. Rubbing sticks and rocks is bullshit. They always seem to have gas masks too, so get yourself one of those and pack some soap and Listerine. Soap because, cleanliness is next to godliness, and Listerine because it kills lice. I'll be damned if those little fuckers outlast me.

 

The most important supply you’ll pack, aside from the condoms, will be weaponry. I don’t care if there are zombies or not, some fool is gonna have to die at some point. Don’t be a pussy about it. When it comes down to you or them, always choose you. I can’t even believe I feel the need to mention that. So what kind of weapons? A good knife. My dad has this one he uses to skin deer, and it is fantastically sharp and lethal. I’m stealing it for my kit. Pack all kinds of knives. Big ones, short ones, whatever, as long as the end is pointy. A gun is useful as well, but you should try to learn how to use it. The end with the hole in it? That points away from you. Other useful weapons might include mace, a hammer, or anything sharp and/or blunt you find in your garage. I didn’t say baseball bat because it’s hard to conceal in your bag. Carrying a bat around, as has been proven in many movies, only invites trouble. Also, for blow-by-blow effectiveness, a hammer beats a bat every time.

 

Cigarettes and drugs are must-haves even if you never indulge in such things. I’m talking mostly drugs that will help you survive, like antibiotics and pain killers, but if you’ve got some pot or mushrooms kicking around, toss those in the bag too. It might make shit easier to deal with. Cigarettes are handy for trading for food and your life. I tell you from experience, you do not want to cross a chain smoker who has no cigarettes after the end of the world arrives. Edgy doesn’t begin to describe the situation. She will do anything for a fix, and if she can’t get it, people will die.

 

Alcohol, the drinking kind, can serve as a disinfectant and a fire starter. How handy is that? Also, it’s a good way to boost everyone’s mood. Believe me, you’ll be glad to have it after endless days in some basement or wooded area with only your family for company. And, you can solve a lot of “problems” with a drink. Think of how many assholes wouldn’t have thought to pack booze. They’ll love you…or they’ll slit your throat and steal it.

 

You won’t need a bomb shelter, just a room that’s on the ground floor or below ground with no windows. The thing is, if there’s like a nuclear blast or the sun collides with Earth…no amount of concrete and dirt is going to save your ass. If you do survive, you’ll just need a shelter that the other assholes can’t get into.

 

You’re going to need friends. Face it, surviving an apocalypse is easier with other people to watch your back. If you don’t have (or would rather not keep) family, pick a group of friends who have some survival skills, moderate intelligence levels, or at least one that is fatter than you are. Why fatter? Well, when the chips are down—or gone, it’s good to have a chubby buddy around. He’ll look far more appealing than you will to the others.

 

So you’ve got your emergency bag packed, your shelter ready, and your team selected, now you need to make a plan so you’re not running around screaming like an idiot when the shit hits the fan. Sit your family down and decide what you’re all going to do if a fireball blows through town or Mrs. Johnson next door comes over to borrow a cup of brains. Agree on two meeting places that you will go to if you all get split up. One close to home and one further away. Now, if you’re not crazy about your family, make a third meeting place that only you know about.