Thursday, May 23, 2013
Ten Ways to Get Rid of Those Pesky Religious Salesmen
By OFW editor:
Published: July 30, 2013
So, salesmen don’t come around to your door much anymore. Not the ones selling Tupperware or vacuums anyway. Even the insurance guys have pared down the door-to-door sales. No, the only folks you have coming to your door in the middle of your afternoon naps are the annoying shits trying to sell religion to you. I’m not naming names, but I’m willing to bet almost everyone in North America has trouble with these “Let me talk to you about how my god can change your life.” guys. They’re persistent and they’re impossible to get rid of if they make it inside…unless you know a few get rid of the zealot tricks. Lucky for you, I’ve gotten rid of so many, I only get like one a year now.
1. Answer the door naked and carrying a weapon.
This one gets immediate results, and sometimes it gets you a visit from the fuzz.
2. Speak as slowly as you can
Your goal: Be the slowest talking person on the planet. Aren’t you curious to see how long their desire to show you the light lasts?
3. Let them in
And then reply to everything they say with “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” or “Why?” Sometimes this doesn’t filter through their over-rehearsed spiel right away, but once it does, watch the nostrils flare and the eyes widen. You can make bets with the kids to see who can guess how long it takes them to get pissed and leave.
4. Answer the door with “Oh, we’ve been expecting you.”
And don’t forget the chainsaw and the maniacal laugh.
5. Excuse yourself and close the door.
Then just stare at them through the window.
6. Tell them you’re so relieved they aren’t the cops.
Then ask if they have a shovel in their trunk because you need some help out back.
7. Giggle every time they mention Jesus, God, or Heaven.
If they ask you what’s going on, put on your serious face and say "Nothing," and giggle again when they start over.
8. Say “Fuckit” every time they say a particular word.
The word choice is yours. Personally, I like to pick words like "the" or "you." Seriously, this is the most fun you’ll ever have, even if they prove persistent.
9. Tell them Satan arrived like an hour ago and he said not to let them in.
Then close the door, run to the window, and watch them puzzle that out as they return to their car or whatever it is that they arrived in. Once, they came to my house on bicycles. It was weird.
10. Tell them that your God said their God will be retiring after the apocalypse.
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