Sunday, February 03, 2013
Ten Signs You Might Be a Serial Killer
By OFW editor: Renée Miller
Published: January 28, 2013

 

Have you ever wondered whether or not you have the potential for mass murder? Do your thoughts sometimes stray to the bodies you could have hidden in your yard, and the very idea makes you positively giddy inside? Perhaps you don’t recall killing someone, but you wake up covered in blood every time there’s a full moon. The ten characteristics below may not be present in every serial killer, but they’re good indicators that you’re a brick short of a wall, and should seek help before the body count rises.

Recreational Drug Use
When you use drugs, you forget shit. You might also hallucinate or let that secret psycho hidden in your brain out to play. Drugs lead to bad shit, possibly murder. If you find your drug-induced trips into la-la-land have resulted in missing blocks of time and blood stains on your clothes, you might want to check the garden for like, bones and shit.
 
Excessive masturbation
The folks that know stuff about this shit say masturbation leads to homicide. So yeah. If you have trouble keeping your hands out of your own pants, watch out for those homicidal thoughts. They catch you in a week moment, and you might find yourself on a one-way trip to the Serial Killer Hall of Fame.
 
Bed wetter
If I have to tell you that bet-wetting at your age is a bad sign, there is no help for you.
 
Aversion to people
Don’t like people, eh? I don’t either, but it’s the purpose of your aversion to people that defines whether or not you’re a serial killer. Serial killers avoid people because people always fuck shit up. Relationships make keeping your secret life a secret really hard. Just ask Dexter. So if you’re avoiding people because they have big mouths, and not just because people are assholes, you might have a problem.
 
Fantasies
Not just regular fantasies. I’m talking violent, bloody, weird fantasies. If you look at a gal you just met and think, “Hey, I’d love to tie her up and burn her with cigarettes before dismembering her and putting her in my fridge.” you should probably get some professional help. That’s not a normal fantasy, buddy.
 
OCD
Most serial killers tend to be OCD about at least one thing. Compulsive folks are creepy. Do you eat only the red Skittles because the other colors are a government attempt to drug the population into mindless submission? Perhaps you have to do exactly the same thing, in exactly the same order, every single day because if you don’t, your head will explode. Either way, OCD behavior is a neon sign saying you will kill somebody.

Uncommon Fetishes
Deviant sex is not a good sign. I’m not talking about what the Bible says is deviant. I’m saying if you like to do shit that even kinky folks raise an eyebrow at, you’re not right. I won’t be surprised when I see your picture on the news.

Bad pet owner
Almost all serial killers have killed at least one pet intentionally. It’s like a practice run for their real calling. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer. His folks just looked the other way when he started dissecting random animals in the back yard. What they should have done was put the boy down. If you’ve got a lot of animal blood on your hand because you were “curious” then you should buy yourself a straightjacket and hide the knives.
 
Those bodies in the backyard/basement/shed
This is what serial killers do. You kill something and you hide it. The cops are up the street, so you might want to get off the computer and like, run.
 

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