Cosmopolitans, appletinis, daiquiris: Anything with a fruity name or a fruity taste that is served in a fruity glass. Women who drink these on a regular basis enjoy long periods spent looking in the mirror, and then hitting the gym to improve their awesomeness. Men who drink these are not real men. Now listen, there's no need to get your shorts all bunched. You know the truth. Lying to yourself is only making things worse. No sense making a stink over it. Fruity cocktail lovers also like to wear designer clothes and share the fact with just about everyone they meet. This type doesn’t really like drinking booze, but looking cool and “with it” is important enough to endure vomiting your guts out in the ladies room later. You may also speak with an accent that everyone knows is fake.

 

Martini lovers are showoffs. We hate you. Take your rented fucking Beamer and piss off, would you? And stop with the fake cell phone calls. Jeeze, we know no one calls you.

You think you’re so damn classy, don’t you. Too bad winos are like the dirtiest drunks out there. Whoa there, Jeeves. Relax. I too enjoy the vino, so I speak from experience. You all love buying fancy books with fancy titles and carting them around like you actually read them. Little tip for you: Switch the title now and then and we might actually believe you read it. Wine lovers give off the impression that they’re “better” than everyone else. You know, too good to drink real alcohol. They tsk and sigh and curl their lips at the common folks. Wonder how that snotty attitude holds up when you’ve got a nasty case of the wine shits. Oh yeah, I know.

 

You are a true drinker, Bloody Mary Lover. I salute you. Those that drink Bloody Mary’s on a regular basis are hardcore. They have the glass to their lips as soon as they wake up, and continue drinking all day long. They have trouble socializing with other people, and don’t cope with stress all that well so it’s to the bottle they go. I’m with you. If I didn’t think tomato juice tasted like rotten vomit, I’d be drinking Bloody Mary’s all day long too. It would make the world so much less annoying. And the tomato juice is rich in shit that’s good for you. So if you can stomach it, drink up and make no apologies. The Bloody Mary is the patron drink of serious writers everywhere.

 

Or, as the cool kids like to call it, Jager shots. You are angry. You are tightly wound. You are hyper. You might be a little on the insecure side and wish to show off. Jager lovers are tough. Don’t think so? Drink a shot of that shit and tell me you don’t feel like vomiting your innards into the glass. Nasty. People that actually like Jager should be avoided at all costs. They will punch you for breathing sideways and they’ll punch you again for bleeding. Can’t help but love a man who drinks Jager.

 

Ah, vodka. My favorite. Vodka drinkers usually go for the screwdriver. That would be vodka and orange juice, for those not in the know. The screwdriver says you wish you were still in high school. If you’re a lady drinking vodka mixed with any juice, it makes you the target of every nasty old pervert in a 50 mile radius. Vodka equals horny. That’s bar math. I didn’t make it up. Now, if you’re the kind of vodka drinker that mixes cranberry juice with your booze instead, I would like to kick you in the nuts, even if you have none. Even more annoying, they call this concoction a Cape Cod. How gay is that? (And I mean gay as in the 90's meaning of the word, not homosexual gay) Drinking vodka and cranberry is not a progression from drinking a screwdriver. You’re not classier, or smarter. Admit you’re an adolescent pretender with inadequacy issues.

 

Scotch lovers catch the attention of every man and woman in the bar. If you drink scotch at home, you are mysterious, intelligent and literary. If you drink it in a bar, you are one of two types: a solitary intellectual or a douchebag. Leave your scarf at home next time, it makes you look like you’re retarded or cold. Scotch is usually a man’s drink. Women who drink this are tough, sometimes cold, but always up for a lively debate. They’re always right too. Don’t forget that. I know scotch is expensive, but let me clarify something for the scotch-drinking boys; women don’t believe you’re rich just because you have a glass of scotch in front of you. We just think you’re boring, or worse, that you live with your mother.

 

Well hello, you crazy slut. Fancy meeting you here—at a bar. If you drink tequila like other folks down water, you are probably pretty loose with the moral compass. There’s nothing wrong with that, but sometimes, you all are so loud and nasty, I want to punch you in the neck. Where’s my Jager shot? Tequila drinkers are perceived as rule breakers, the life of the party, and the ones who will most definitely puke in your car. Your stomach must be so happy with you.

 

If you’re a man who drinks whiskey on a regular basis, you’re perceived as rugged and masculine. With whiskey, much of the perception relies on the quality of your drink. If you drink the cheap shit, you’re probably a redneck, out “Turrin wit’ yer boys in the pickup.” If you drink the finer blends, you are probably an outstanding individual, if a little arrogant and cocky. Women that drink whiskey are not to be fucked with. We will rearrange your face, Miss Fruity Cocktail. Piss off and let us play pool or arm wrestle this Neanderthal over here. Women who drink whiskey also tend to leave with someone at the end of the night. No, don’t call her in the morning. She doesn’t need your bullshit, just your equipment.  

 

Beer drinkers are down to earth, nice types who are either broke, or just out to relax and have a good time. They like sports and outdoor concerts, but they hate deep discussions about the state of the world. If you happen to drink one of those pussy microbrews or designer beers, you are not actually a beer drinker. You are an imposter. Go grab your cocktail and leave the beer to the real men and women.